Sixteen Tons (And What do Ya Get?)

In an impromptu foray into the state of American industry July 7, Ken West revealed his sympathy for the coal people of the Northwest.

“They have the most excellent coal,” West said of communities in some U.S. state, possibly Wyoming. “Did you know there are different grades of coal? They have this huge-ass power plant – they’ve been delivering to Oregon and Washington for half a century.”

Describing the coal delivery process, West referred to a four-mile conveyor belt he said takes the coal “straight to the burner.”

A profressional coal miner, West said, can make as much as $80,000 annually, although he said, part of their high salary is meant to compensate for a generally reduced longevity.

The health habits of some coal miners, West said, also plays a role.

“They’re all about getting their fatburgers and hot dog and some stupid stuff on TV,” West said, citing the Jerry Springer show, which, though popular in some pockets of Appalachalia, has been largely banned in American hospitals.

West said he sympathizes with the American coal miner and has to side with the president on the issue of whether coal should again become a pillar of the American economy in an era where cost-effective renewable energy is so close at hand.

“These humanoids have this great natural resource,” West said. “Couldn’t they do something with it?”

When questioned about the long-term feasibility of burning massive amounts of coal just to keep the Northwestern miner employed, West quickly conceded it doesn’t make sense to keep burning new coal reserves. He agreed it might be better for American workers to use the coal for artistic and decorative purposes.

In an abrupt switch to international affairs, West made another effort to assure the American people that doomsday is not yet close at hand.

“Can I give you a minute of niceness?” West said. “I am the bearer of good news.”

Regardless of recent North Korean ICBM tests, West said Kim Jong-Un does not have the wherewithal to deliver on threats to the U.S.

“That little crazy bastard,” West said. “He ain’t gonna do nothing.”

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